Society is based on countless limits. There are limits to what one can and cannot do, limits to how one must or must not carry oneself in public, limits to what one must or must not say, limits to how one must dress, walk, etc… life is full of limitations. And as humans, we secretly covet what’s forbidden, what we cannot have, and our mind’s might is suddenly invoked when restrictions are put on to things. And, when limits are imposed on the things that we cherish most, petulance gets the best of us when we are not rewarded with what we wanted or so severely sough after. Its human nature, isn’t it?
These myriad recollections and constant anxiety are all triggered by the flood of ambivalent emotions suddenly registering in the conscious mind at her thought. Anything that is elusive in some ways, crafts an aura of desirability and soon becomes seductive and, in ways indiscernible, provocative. But these, though not very frequent, sudden gushes of emotion perturb me in a peculiarly delightful way. I am rendered impulsive at times and with each day that passes, though I wouldn’t want to admit it to myself, in my innermost part, I feel closer to her than the day before and the conviction of the two of us becomes more affirmed. I see a possibility of marriage looming nearer and nearer.
But in spite of this momentary bliss, such fondness and affection tends to promise, it never seems to materialize, for on the other hand there is turmoil, distress and impatience. There seems to be something I dislike about her and cannot pinpoint it. And now the possibility of marriage is but a mirage. I think I have become temporarily insane. Can these two contradictory sentiments co-exist simultaneously?
Shafi,
You said “There seems to be something I dislike about her and cannot pinpoint it.” Sometimes our instinct, if you can call it that, picks up subtleties that we do not want to mar a relationship. If there is someone who knows her as well, perhaps you could discreetly find out if they see the same thing.
Contradictory thoughts/emotions can and do exist simultaneously and they tend to help us deepen our understanding or even change our course in life if we work through the discomfort. It is not easy but the conscience has a way of poking through and challenging your feeling.
Aya, its something irritating – something along the line of dearly likeing the person and at the same time with the same breath cursing them. Someone of her acquaintance also noted something, but they too could not put a finger to it – not something quite detestable, but little things that annoy.
I admit – to narrate these contradictory sentiments might not seem much, but to actually feel their unsolicited wafts of delight is hellish, marvellous, unwanted, exciting, wearisome and at the same time consumes one’s time! they cancel each other out, leaving you an old bore ;)